IRON NAN    Script    Dave Corbett    2026

How to describe Nan … well, wrinkly, old, and very tired of people saying ‘Oh Nan, don’t lift that, Nan, sit down, Nan, be careful, Nan, don’t fall’ Believe me, Nan has all her marbles.

Nan was in the kitchen, carrying a basket of washing to be ironed. Shirts, socks, underpants and one very, VERY heavy super king size duvet cover. ‘If I can cope with this beasty I can cope with anything’ she thought.

Doorbell sound

At the door stood a seedy looking man with a smirk for a smile. ‘Hello. Are you a granny by any chance?’ ‘Yep’, said Nan, ‘70 years old and still going strong. Are you here to help with the ironing?’

‘No’, said the man.’ ‘Selling stairlifts? False teeth? Fluffy slippers?’ ‘No’, said the man. He pointed at the ironing board. ‘That looks dangerous! Advance warning you old crone, I am about to change the clothing system of the world. No more washing, no more ironing, no more folding. From now on everything will be … wrinkled! … and mucky.

Now you might think that might be a good idea, but then you’re not a Granny. “Absolutely not’ said Nan. The mealy mouthed man said ‘Ha! I already have a master anti-ironing machine ready and waiting, primed to make every iron in the land defunct, inoperable, useless .. and you can’t do anything about, it you wizened old prune’. He let out a maniacal cackle and ran off down the street.

‘Wizened old prune? Stopping me washing and ironing? We’ll see about that. If he can make an anti-ironing machine, I can make an anti-baddy thingy .. and she wasn’t thinking about her Auntie Ethel.

Nan looked around the kitchen. Perhaps not a machine, she thought, no, a suit, a protective metal suit. Yep. I can use those’. She gathered cutlery, cooking pots, the ironing board, coffee grinder, colander, kettle, cheese grater, whisk, frying pan, baking tray … and a screwdriver from the drawer, and set to work.

Clankingnoises

‘You OK in there Nan?’, came a voice from the lounge ‘Just popping out for a few minutes’, she said. ‘OK Nan. Take care, don’t trip up or anything’. Little could they guess.

Nan tied a fabric softened tea towel around her neck to look more menacing, like a superhero, grabbed her trusty iron and clanked as quietly as she could out of the house and down the street to find her baddy. And there he was, talking to a group of old dears who looked absolutely horrified at his dastardly plan, and at the sight of the scary looking shiny machine he had at his side. His finger was poised over the start button.

‘Oi, baddy’, Nan shouted, ‘we golden oldies enjoy our washing and ironing. What would we get up to without it? (Apart from knitting of course)’. ‘Cor, it’s a walking scrap yard. You’ll never stop me codger cans’. I think you’ll find I will’ she said. Nan held tight to the cable of her iron and started swinging the iron round and round her head, faster and faster, and then with perfect timing, smashed it into the anti-ironing machine. ‘How’s that for a pile of scrap’, said Nan. Baddy man gulped, blinked his eyes a couple of times and straightway legged it down the road, never to be seen again.

Catastrophe averted, washing and ironing back on the agenda. How cool. Luckily Nan’s iron had withstood the weapon phase and, along with all the protective metal hardware, had been replaced tidily in the cupboards. ‘I’m back’ shouted Nan. ‘Just going to finish the ironing’. So, never, never underestimate a Nan. Especially one who knows how to really handle an iron.

IRON NAN    Lyrics   Dave Corbett    2026

CH: Iron Nan, Iron Nan, a brave old Granny with an iron. (rep)

1

She’s at home in the kitchen, she can deal with the heavy stuff.

Shirts are fine, or a duvet, Iron Nan just can’t get enough.

Plug it in, get a head of steam, not a chore, but Grandma’s dream. 

Pile it up, it’ll soon get done, Nan is having fun.

CH: Iron Nan, Iron Nan, a brave old Granny with an iron. (rep)

2

Switch it on, let’s get heated, all those creases to iron out.

Make them smooth, crisp and tidy, that’s what Grandma is all about.

Plug it in, get a head of steam, not a chore, but Grandma’s dream. 

Pile it up, it’ll soon get done, Nan is having fun.

CH: Iron Nan, Iron Nan, a brave old Granny with an iron. (rep)

3

Now she’s ploughed through the washing, stacked them up, made a tidy pile.

Not a job, but a pleasure, Iron Nan just can’t help but smile.

Plug it in, get a head of steam, not a chore, but Grandma’s dream. 

Pile it up, it’ll soon get done, Nan is having fun.

CH: Iron Nan, Iron Nan, a brave old Granny with an iron. (rep)