A TURTLE CALLED MYRTLE SCRIPT Dave Corbett 2025

AHWWWW, true love. How sweet. I wonder if you’ve got a boy or a girlfriend? No don’t turn me off, this isn’t about you. Myrtle the turtle almost had a boyfriend, well a shark friend. Don’t suppose anybody listening has got a shark friend.

Myrtle was a particularly attractive turtle, especially when she polished her shell. One day, deep down in the briny, she met a rather good looking shark and was rather excited when he asked her out. Ooooh! He mentioned a new place in town called the Fishy Dish which had had good reviews, and proposed that they could go there on their first date … well he didn’t actually propose, far too early for that ... he suggested they book a table.

The waiter, a smart, but rather rude barracuda, showed them to their table. Myrtle looked around. It was very busy with all the tables taken with mackerel, bass, porpoise, cod customers … they were packed in like sardines.

The menu looked interesting, sautéed seaweed, plankton puffs, kelp noodles with seashell sauce, jellyfish jelly, yummy stuff. Oh, and turtle soup, best forget that one! Just then the manager of the Fishy Dish came out, to say that the electric eel, who was a keen union member, had gone on strike. ‘No food tonight I’m afraid’ the manager said. No electricity.

What a spoiler. The shark was feeling desperately hungry and clocked, for the first time ,that Myrtle looked rather like a crusty meat pie. Turtles do you know. He just couldn’t help himself. He lunged over the table and opened his ginormous fang filled mouth. Myrtle had spotted his gleaming eyes moments before and realised what he was up to, so she quickly pulled in her legs, tail and head, just like a tortoise, and relaxed. The shark was not expecting his crusty meat pie to be quite so crusty. All his teeth snapped on Myrtle’s hard shell, and he quickly left, presumably looking for a fish shop that sold false sharks’ teeth. Myrtle was safe. She had had a very close escape … and later found love with a clam. Much safer.

MYRTLE THE TURTLE LYRICS Dave Corbett

   CHORUS

I’m a turtle called Myrtle, my looks are divine, they call me the deep sea belle.

But just take a tip from this story of mine, that looks matter less than a shell.

1 

I once met a shark who said “Come out to dine”,

 I’d just had my shell shone and so I said fine.

 He said that he’d heard of a new place in town,

 the nosh was nouveau, I said “Let’s get on down”.

 The waiter that night was a smart barracuda,

 a dish of a fish who was ever so rude.

 The service was slow, it was getting quite late,

 I mentioned the fact to a friendly old skate.

   CHORUS

2 

Now I should have guessed, he was licking his lips,

 he looked on the menu and saw fish and chips.

 The thing in the end that made my spirits droop ...

 the look in his eyes when he saw ‘Turtle Soup’.

 The manager came to say “No food tonight,

 The electric’s gone off so you won’t get a bite”.

 I said “It’s a scandal, just how would you feel?”

 He said “Sorry Miss, it’s the union eel”.

   CHORUS

3 

The shark said “I’m starved and my temperature’s high,

 you closely resemble a crusty meat pie.

 I really can’t wait, there is no going back,

 you’ll taste just as good as a juicy Big Mac”.

 And so, there and then, on the restaurant seat

 I pulled in my bits and I made my retreat.

 The crunching and grinding shook him to the core …

 the shark left most of his teeth on the floor.

   CHORUS

 I’m fully aware of how lucky I am,

 I’m now going out with a clam.