ABSOLUTELY CRACKERS    SCRIPT   Dave Corbett   2023

Yippee! Christmas Eve! Paul and Rebecca had been helping their Mum and Dad to get ready for Christmas. Time for a quick check up.

Bedrooms first. Socks tied to the ends of the beds ready for loads of pressies? Check. Special clothes ready to get dressed in for Christmas day? Check. That’ll do for upstairs. Now the lounge. 

Tree decorated? Check. Lights twinkling, baubles glistening. Check. Dangling cotton wool snowmen which they both made when they were at playschool. Check. Looking a bit moth eaten all these years later, but never mind. Presents under the tree for Gran, mittens and smellies I think, and a joke set of chattering teeth for Granddad. At least he’ll have a spare set if his own fall into the trifle like they did last year.

Kitchen. Turkey, sprouts, spuds, peas, pigs in blankets. Check. Christmas pud, custard, ice cream, mince pies, crisps, apple juice. Check.

Dining table, best knives and forks, fancy serviettes with holly on. Check. Crackers …. er … where are the crackers? Look in the cupboard, said Mum. No crackers. Look in the drawer, said Dad. No crackers.

We’ve forgotten the crackers, everybody said at the same time. Oh no, disaster, catastrophe. How can we have Christmas without those hilarious jokes, snazzy hats and crummy little presents? Think of all those workers in the cracker factories, probably some elves or something, that have been working all year long, and we haven’t even bought any. Well it’s too late now, said Dad, all the shops will be shut. 

We’ll just have to look at each other and shout BANG. And tell our own crummy jokes said Rebecca. Here’s one. Who hides in the bakers at Christmas? A mince spy.

Well either Father Christmas or the elves or somebody must have heard them talking, because when they all went downstairs on Christmas morning, there, under the tree was a big box of Christmas crackers. Cracking. Who would have guessed?

CRACKER FACTORY  LYRICS  Dave Corbett. 2023

If you want your party to go with a bang, (Bang!)

Just each pull an end and don't be alarmed,

They're all satisfactory from our Christmas Cracker Factory.

If you want your friends to have fun while they eat

Give something from us, every cracker's a treat,

They're all satisfactory from our Christmas Cracker Factory.

      All the year we are working, working,

      Making crackers for everyone to pull.

      Packing all the presents and jokes and streamers,

      Every cracker's brimming full.

Each girl, each boy, each mum, each dad,

Will all get a cracker and won't they be glad!

They're all satisfactory from our Christmas cracker factory.

With your cake or your jelly, your sandwich or your bun,

Just pick up a cracker and join in the fun,

They're all satisfactory from our Christmas Cracker Factory.

      All the year we are working, working,

      Making crackers for everyone to pull.

      Packing all the presents and jokes and streamers,

      Every cracker's brimming full.

Life is far from complete at this time of the year

If you have no crackers, but they're never fear ...

They're all satisfactory from our business cracker factory.